(a.k.a The Devil's Dictionary, New Millennia Edition)

 
Home Cynical Definitions Murphyisms Cynical People Daily Dose Suggest
   

 

Cynical People

Ambrose Bierce

cynic, n. A person who is prematurely disappointed in the future.

Cynicism seems to march alongside writers and soldiers, so it is no surprise that one of our most cynical heroes was both. But when you and your 12 siblings are all given names beginning with the letter 'A', you tend to see the absurdity of all things .

Ambrose Gwinett Bierce (1842-1914?) was a veteran of the American Civil War, serving for the Damn Yankees. Yet the horrors of war dulled not his wit nor sense of humor, though they may have amplified them. The bullet lodged within his skull behind his left ear – a souvenir of a battle at Kenesaw Mountain didn't even slow him down. If anything war intensified his scrutiny of all life's pleasures and travails, and he made one seem like the other (or the other way around).

After the war, Bierce settled in San Francisco, a city known to proof cynics alongside sourdough (which explain part of your humble editor's disturbing disposition). From there Bierce exploited the writing trades as a satirist, short-story writer and journalist. From San Francisco, he journeyed to London in 1872, finding even more fertile fields for collecting cynical specimens.

During his career with the poison pen, Bierce (who also wrote under the pseudonym of William Herman) created a series of memorable alternate definitions for words which he later gathered into a collection titled The Devil's Dictionary, which was the kindling for this web site. Some classic Bierce incendiaries from The Devil's Dictionary include:

HAPPINESS, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.

HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.

POSITIVE, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

SAINT: A dead sinner revised and edited.

Aside from the dictionary, Bierce is most remembered for his eerie tale of a civil war hanging titled An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge. Many of his short stories were of a supernatural nature, though he often ridiculed spiritualist and others involved in paranormal parlor games.

Bierce disappeared in old age riding into to war. At the age of 71, he headed south to Mexico to fight along side of the bandit Pancho Villa. Bierce was never seen or heard from again (he is presumed to have died in the siege of Ojinega on January 11, 1914). A fictional account of his last days was told in the novel The Old Gringo (1985) by Carlos Fuentes, which was later adapted for the screen and directed by Luis Punzo, starring Gregory Peck (and unfortunately, Jane Fonda).

If irony is the step-brother to cynicism, then such an ironic end to a fabled life is only fitting.

Cynical Ambrose Bierce Quotations

God made the world in six days, an arrested on the seventh.


[Palistry] consists in "reading character" in the wrinkles made by closing the hand. The pretence is not altogether false; character can really be read very accurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand submitted plainly spell the word "dupe."


A famous community of troglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam. The colony consisted of "every one that was in distress, and every one that was in debt, and every one that was discontented" - in brief, all the Socialists of Judah.


It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling companion lodged at a wayside inn. The surroundings were suggestive, and after supper they agreed to tell robber stories in turn. "Once there was a [tax collector]." Saying nothing more, he was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story."


The genus maiden has a wide geographical distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found. The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to the part of her that is audible, bleating out of the field by the canary – which, also, is more portable.


There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another – the classification is for advantage of the lawyers.


[An order] which, originating in the reign of Charles II, among working artisans of London, has been joined successively by the dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of Chaos and Formless Void. The order was founded at different times by Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucious, Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in the Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the Egyptian Pyramids – always by a Freemason.


God's [geography] deals with physical boundaries (oceans, mountains, etc.) while man's deals with arbitrary boundaries composed of the currently popular state of ill will and suspicion.


Most of the public buildings of the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Recent additions to the White House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of the Dorians. They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a brick.