(a.k.a The Devil's Dictionary, New Millennia Edition)

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Cynical People

Guy Smith

cynic, n. And evangelist in the Church of Reality.

Guy Smith is in the annals of cynicism.  Or it that anals.  Hard to tell with him.

Aside from being the despicable and socially unacceptable editor of the Cynical Web Site, Smith is a renowned writer, songwriter and political provocateur (well, he is renown in his living room, which is oddly inhabited by Guy and a few other surviving insects).

Smith's writing is seldom referred to, but has been called "A tragic collision between Kinky Friedman and P.J. O'Rourke, with Joseph Heller reading the eulogy."  Most of Smith's pithier and slimier quotes ooze with insights that only a deacon in the Church of Discount Worship could possibly put to pen.

Though Smith's origins are not well known, he has managed to infest the globe at points as far flung as Florida, Virginia, California and allegedly a small prison colony in the Philippines, though the only source for that last location is one of Smith's ex-wives.

Let's hope he gets writer's cramp.  Until then, suffer with these top Guy Smith cynicisms.

Cynical Guy Smith Quotations

Amazingly, most people are not ready to die despite having prepared for it their entire lives.

May you have the good fortune to die on a slow news day.

All parents see their children as perfect, at least until the teen years. This delusion is God's system for keeping parents from selling the little vermin off for medical experimentation.

Cats are like women. If you understand them, they make wonderful companions. If you don't understand them, then they are endless pains in the ass.

A catechism is a formalized, documented, structured review of Christian teachings. This is the ultimate extension of the principle that even the simplest concept can be expounded upon to create perfect misunderstanding.

My goal is to enjoy life, but life seems to be uncooperative.

There are only three crimes in the world – all others are variants of these. There is the crime of thinking wrong, the crime of being stupid and the crime of driving with your head up your arse.

Death is the only goal one can achieve without help, and even then you occasionally receive unwanted assistance.

"Wrath" is most commonly attributed to God and women. This should give men something to fear.