(a.k.a The Devil's Dictionary, New Millennia Edition)

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Cynical People

Guy Smith

cynic, n. And evangelist in the Church of Reality.

Guy Smith is in the annals of cynicism.  Or it that anals.  Hard to tell with him.

Aside from being the despicable and socially unacceptable editor of the Cynical Web Site, Smith is a renowned writer, songwriter and political provocateur (well, he is renown in his living room, which is oddly inhabited by Guy and a few other surviving insects).

Smith's writing is seldom referred to, but has been called "A tragic collision between Kinky Friedman and P.J. O'Rourke, with Joseph Heller reading the eulogy."  Most of Smith's pithier and slimier quotes ooze with insights that only a deacon in the Church of Discount Worship could possibly put to pen.

Though Smith's origins are not well known, he has managed to infest the globe at points as far flung as Florida, Virginia, California and allegedly a small prison colony in the Philippines, though the only source for that last location is one of Smith's ex-wives.

Let's hope he gets writer's cramp.  Until then, suffer with these top Guy Smith cynicisms.

Cynical Guy Smith Quotations

All parents see their children as perfect, at least until the teen years. This delusion is God's system for keeping parents from selling the little vermin off for medical experimentation.

There are only three crimes in the world – all others are variants of these. There is the crime of thinking wrong, the crime of being stupid and the crime of driving with your head up your arse.

If sex is original sin, Murphyisms are original cynicism.

Amazingly, most people are not ready to die despite having prepared for it their entire lives.

God invented sex and we give praise to him at every orgasm by shouting "Oh, my God".

We seldom become the people we want to be, but we always become the people that we try to be.

Women are often referred to as the 'gentle' sex. I believe this adjective describes the sweetly undetectable method in which women insert a knife in a man's back.

To be abnormal is to be different from the majority and thus to evoke fear and loathing in said majority. To be intelligent amoung the ignorant, to be polite in New York, or to be Republican in San Francisco.

Cats are like women. If you understand them, they make wonderful companions. If you don't understand them, then they are endless pains in the ass.