(a.k.a The Devil's Dictionary, New Millennia Edition)

 
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cat

Cynical Definitions

n. A pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings.

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n. A soft and indestructible quadruped adopted by women and used by men as proxy for women during domestic disputes.

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Cynical Quotations

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

— Unknown

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

— Robert Heinlein

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Cats are to dogs what modern people are to the people we used to have. Cats are slimmer, cleaner, more attractive, disloyal, and lazy. It's easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America's favorite pet. People like pets to possess the same qualities they do. Cats are irresponsible and recognize no authority, yet are completely dependent on others for their material needs. Cats cannot be made to do anything useful. Cats are mean for the fun of it. In fact, cats possess so many of the same qualities as some people (expensive girlfriends, for instance) that it's often hard to tell the people and the cats apart.

— P.J. O'Rourke

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Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

— Missy Dizick

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Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

— Unknown

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As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.

— Unknown

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Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

— Unknown

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Cats are like women. If you understand them, they make wonderful companions. If you don't understand them, then they are endless pains in the ass.

— Guy Smith

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The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.

— Doug Larson

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Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

— Jeff Valdez

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Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

— Unknown

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No matter how much cats fight, there always seems to be plenty of kittens.

— Abraham Lincoln

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If cats could talk, they wouldn't.

— Nan Porter

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Everything comes to those who wait ... except a cat.

— Marilyn Peterson

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Everything comes to those who wait ... except a cat.

— Marilyn Peterson

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If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.

— Alfred North Whitehead

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No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

— Unknown

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Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

— Joseph Wood Krutch

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Cats have nine lives, which makes them ideal for experimentation.

— Jimmy Carr

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