(a.k.a The Devil's Dictionary, New Millennia Edition)

 
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computer

Cynical Definitions

n. An electronic device designed by Satan for the sole purpose of creating pattern baldness through the self-extraction of hair follicles by the user.

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Cynical Quotations

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

— Mitch Ratcliffe

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It is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of computers by the sense of accomplishment you get from getting them to work at all.

— Douglas Adams

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A Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer is to computing what a McDonalds Certified Food Specialist is to fine cuisine.

— Unknown

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The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

— Nathaniel Borenstein

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Ours is the age that is proud of machines that think and suspicious of men who try to.

— H. Mumford Jones

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To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

— Robert Orben

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Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

— Andy Rooney

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If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

— Robert X. Cringely

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Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

— Rich Cook

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Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

— Jeff Raskin

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In a few seconds a computer can make a mistake so great that it would have taken many men many months to equal it.

— Unknown

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All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.

— Unknown

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To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

— Farmers' Almanac, 1978

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Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.

— Isaac Asimov

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If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee – that will do them in.

— Bradley's Bromide

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If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and no-one dares criticize it.

— Pierre Gallois

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In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

— John C. Dvorak

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