(a.k.a The Devil's Dictionary, New Millennia Edition)

 
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death

Cynical Definitions

n. Life's only certainty.

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n. A legal form of Tax evasion for wealthy people.

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Cynical Quotations

In the long run we are all dead.

— John Maynard Keynes

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Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all.

— William Goldman

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Birth to the butterfly looks like death to the caterpillar.

— Unknown

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The wages of sin is death, but so is the salary of virtue.

— Unknown

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The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

— Paula Poundstone

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A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.

— Joseph Stalin

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We seem to believe it is possible to ward off death by following rules of good grooming.

— Don Delillo

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Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

— Isaac Asimov

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For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but telemarketing calls taper off.

— Jonny Carson

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Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.

— Wilson Mizner

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Is there life after birth?

— Guy Smith

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Death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.

— Woody Allen

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What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive?

— Irv Kupcinet

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Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

— P.J. O'Rourke

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May you have the good fortune to die on a slow news day.

— Guy Smith

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Death is the only goal one can achieve without help, and even then you occasionally receive unwanted assistance.

— Guy Smith

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To be willing to die for an idea is to set a rather high price on conjecture.

— Anatole France

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Amazingly, most people are not ready to die despite having prepared for it their entire lives.

— Guy Smith

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