(a.k.a The Devil's Dictionary, New Millennia Edition)

 
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embalm

Cynical Definitions

int. To cheat vegetation by confining the gases upon which it feeds.

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Cynical Quotations

By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their once fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting more than a meager crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be ornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall get him after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and rose are languishing for a nibble at his glutoeus maximus.

— Ambrose Bierce

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The Embalming process on elderly men is a permanent replacement for Viagra that he nor his wife will ever be able to enjoy.

— Cliff Cole

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