(a.k.a The Devil's Dictionary, New Millennia Edition)

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Cynical Definitions

n. A person who pervades the domain of intellectual speculation and diffuses himself through the channels of moral activity.

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Cynical Quotations

Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.

— Frank Dane

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It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

— Mark Twain

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Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.

— Alexandre Dumas

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The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

— Doug Larson

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Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do.

— Dale Carnegie

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Fools rush in where fools have been before.

— Unknown

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A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.

— Wilson Mizner

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[The fool] is omnific, omniform, omnipercipient, omniscience, omnipotent. He it was who invented letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, the telegraph, the platitude and the circle of the sciences. He created patriotism and taught the nations war – founded theology, philosophy, law, medicine and Chicago. He established monarchical and republican government. He is from everlasting to everlasting &ndash such as creation's dawn beheld he fooleth now. In the morning of time he sang upon primitive hills, and in the noonday of existence headed the procession of being. His grandmotherly hand was warmly tucked-in the set sun of civilization, and in the twilight he prepares Man's evening meal of milk-and-morality and turns down the covers of the universal grave. And after the rest of us shall have retired for the night of eternal oblivion he will sit up to write a history of human civilization.

— Ambrose Bierce

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