(a.k.a The Devil's Dictionary, New Millennia Edition)

 
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future

Cynical Definitions

n. That period of time (which never arrives) in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true, and our happiness is assured.

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Cynical Quotations

To live in the past or in the future may be less satisfying than to live in the present, but it can never be as disillusioning.

— R. D. Laing

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The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only far more expensive.

— John Sladek

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The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet.

— William Gibson

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I have seen the future and it doesn't work.

— Robert Fulford

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The future is not what it used to be.

— Paul Valery

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