(a.k.a The Devil's Dictionary, New Millennia Edition)

 
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god

Cynical Definitions

n. A superior being cursed with all the petty frailties of man, and upon whom we can thus lay blame for all woes.

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Cynical Quotations

One man's God often is another man's abomination.

— Unknown

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It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then God is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side.

— Frank Zappa

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If God created us in His own image, we have more than reciprocated.

— Unknown

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You know your god is man-made when he hates all the same people you do.

— Unknown

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Everyone is as God has made him, and oftentimes a great deal worse.

— Miguel de Cervantes

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God, please save us from your followers.

— Unknown

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Religion fails from the start, by trying to conceive of God, who by definition is inconceivable.

— Guy Smith

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God writes a lot of comedy. The trouble is he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

— Garrison Keillor

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Would a kind, just and merciful God allow lawyers to live?

— Guy Smith

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When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers.

— Oscar Wilde

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If you're going to sin, sin against God, not the bureaucracy. God will forgive you but the bureaucracy won't.

— Admiral Hyman Rickover

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According to theology, in the beginning there was void and from the void, God created the universe. According to scientists, in the beginning there was void, and from the void the universe created itself. Looks like God is up by one point at half time.

— Guy Smith

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God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

— Voltaire

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They say the reason we can't see God is that God is everywhere. Which makes sense . . . I can't see THEM either, but they're everywhere too. Let's hope THEY aren't God.

— John Alejandro King

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They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse.

— Emily Dickinson

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To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

— Woody Allen

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The gods too are fond of a joke.

— Aristotle

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I'm still an atheist, thank God.

— Luis Bunuel

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I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.

— Oscar Wilde

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Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

— Unknown

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God is not dead but alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project.

— Unknown

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What can you say about a society that says that God is dead and Elvis is alive?

— Irv Kupcinet

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Nobody talks so constantly about God as those who insist that there is no God.

— Heywood Broun

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God invented sex and we give praise to him at every orgasm by shouting "Oh, my God".

— Guy Smith

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An honest God is the noblest work of man.

— Robert G.Ingersoll

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If a man says that he fears God, do not ask for a demonstration.

— William Ferraiolo

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People who insist that God is everywhere are usually the sames people trying to corral us into churches, mosques and synagogues.

— William Ferraiolo

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I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.

— Jules Renard

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And God said "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan."

— Unknown

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God is love, I dare say. But what a mischievous devil love is.

— Samuel Butler

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Absolute power corrupts absolutely. What does this say about God?

— Guy Smith

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