(a.k.a The Devil's Dictionary, New Millennia Edition)

 
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heart

Cynical Definitions

n. A natural magnet for daggers and bullets.

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Cynical Quotations

A man's heart is like a sponge, just soaked with emotion and sentiment of which he can squeeze a little bit out for every pretty woman.

— Helen Rowland

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Figuratively, this useful organ is said to be the seat of emotions and sentiments – a very pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once universal belief. It is now known that the sentiments and emotions reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of the gastric fluid. The exact process by which a beefsteak becomes a feeling – tender or not, according to the age of the animal from which it was cut; the successive stages of elaboration through which a caviar sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as a pungent epigram; the marvelous functional methods of converting a hard-boiled egg into religious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sigh of sensibility – these things have been patiently ascertained by M. Pasteur, and by him expounded with convincing lucidity.

— Ambrose Bierce

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Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high.

— Adrienne E. Gusoff

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The heart gets what the heart will settle for.

— The Cleveland Show

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