(a.k.a The Devil's Dictionary, New Millennia Edition)

 
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history

Cynical Definitions

n. An account (mostly false) of events (mostly unimportant) which are brought about by rulers (mostly knaves) and soldiers (mostly fools).

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n. The short period from Adam to atom.

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n. The race between education and catastrophe.

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Cynical Quotations

We learn from history that we do not learn from history.

— Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel

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Indeed, history is nothing more than a tableau of crimes and misfortunes.

— Voltaire

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Any event, once it has occurred, can be made to appear inevitable by a competent historian.

— Lee Simonson

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Events in the past may be roughly divided into those which probably never happened and those which do not matter.

— W. R. Inge

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For four-fifths of our history, our planet was populated by pond scum.

— J.W. Schopf

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History is a set of lies agreed upon

— Napoleon Bonaparte

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In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.

— Paul Harvey

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Why doesn't the good history repeat itself?

— Robert Desgrange

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