(a.k.a The Devil's Dictionary, New Millennia Edition)

 
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lawyer

Cynical Definitions

n. A person who extracts the truth from a situation before concealing it.

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n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.

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n. Someone who helps you get what is coming to him.

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n. A liar with a permit to practice.

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n. Someone who defends your interest and takes the principal.

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Cynical Quotations

We joke but deep-down, lawyers are not bad people. I'd have to say right around six-feet deep is when they are not so bad...

— Mark Wonsil

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Lawyers spend a great deal of their time shoveling smoke.

— Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

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The only funny thing about lawyer jokes is that lawyers don't think they're funny, and everyone else doesn't know that they're jokes.

— Many Lawyers

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Would a kind, just and merciful God allow lawyers to live?

— Guy Smith

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A lawyer starts life giving $500 worth of law for $5 and ends giving $5 worth for $500.

— Benjamin H. Brewster

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It has been said that we joke about those that we truly love. This is bunk, for there is no book thicker than the book of lawyer jokes.

— Guy Smith

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It is possible that the percentage of honest and competent whores is higher than that of plumbers and much higher than that of lawyers.

— Robert Heinlein

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One would have thought litigation superior to dueling for the purpose of settling disputes – provided that one had not met a lawyer.

— William Ferraiolo

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Lawyers are always more ready to get a man into troubles than out of them.

— Oliver Goldsmith

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Possession is nine points of the law. Lawyer fees and the other ninety one.

— Unknown

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No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.

— Jean Giraudoux

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If it weren't for the lawyers we wouldn't need them.

— William Jennings Bryan

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