(a.k.a The Devil's Dictionary, New Millennia Edition)

 
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man

Cynical Definitions

n. An animal so lost in contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he ought to be.

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n. An animal so clever it behaves like an imbecile.

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n. A rational animal that loses its temper when called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.

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Cynical Quotations

A woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake an entire relationship.

— Unknown

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History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

— Abba Eban

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In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man – if you want anything done, ask a woman.

— Margaret Thatcher

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Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.

— Samuel Butler

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It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.

— H.L. Mencken

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The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself.

— Sir Richard Francis Burton

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If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principle difference between a dog and a man.

— Mark twain

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I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability.

— Oscar Wilde

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Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.

— Mark Twain

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Man is living proof that God has a sense humor – he gave him two heads and only enough blood to think with one at a time.

— Robin Williams

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[Man's] chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.

— Ambrose Bierce

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