(a.k.a The Devil's Dictionary, New Millennia Edition)

 
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money

Cynical Definitions

n. A blessing having no advantage except when we part with it.

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n. Evidence of culture and the passport to elite society.

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n. Something you have to make in case you don't die.

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Cynical Quotations

From birth to 18 a girl needs good parents. From 18 to 35, she needs good looks. From 35 to 55, good personality. From 55 on, she needs good cash.

— Sophie Tucker

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If money is the root of all evil, why do churches keep begging for more?

— Unknown

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Financially speaking, being married with children is exactly like diving into a pond filled with leeches, except you can flick leech off.

— Scott Harrell and Guy Smith Jr.

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My wife says I spend money like a drunken sailor. Wonder what she'd say if I spent it like a sober congressman?"

— R. W. Plagge

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Never ask for more money than it would take to have you killed by a professional.

— Unknown

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The fundamental evil of the world arose from the fact that the good Lord has not created money enough.

— Heinrich Heine

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Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

— Unknown

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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

— Unknown

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About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

— Herbert Hoover

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My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

— Errol Flynn

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Money is exactly like sex; You thought of nothing else if you didn't have it and thought of other things if you did.

— James Baldwin

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Humanity is acquiring all the right technology for all the wrong reasons.

— R. Buckminster Fuller

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Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars.

— Hobart Brown

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The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.

— David Richerby

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Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy.

— Spike Milligan

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Tradition is what you resort to when you don't have the time or the money to do it right.

— Kurt Herbert Alder

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What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.

— Franklin P. Adams

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If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

— Dorothy Parker

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Lack of money is the root of all evil.

— George Bernard Shaw

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A billion here, a billion there, pretty soon it adds up to real money.

— Senator Everett Dirksen

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If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.

— Robert Heinlein

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Money is the sincerest form of flattery.

— Robert Heinlein

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