(a.k.a The Devil's Dictionary, New Millennia Edition)

 
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success

Cynical Definitions

n. Attendance plus luck.

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n. An unpardonable sin against one's neighbors.

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Cynical Quotations

Nothing changes your opinion of a friend so surely as success – yours or his.

— Franklin P. Jones

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Each success only buys an admission ticket to a more difficult problem.

— Henry Kissinger

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Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.

— Christopher Lasch

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To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.

— Voltaire

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Since government rarely succeeds, it hardly ever fails.

— P.J. O'Rourke

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If at first you don't succeed, well, so much for skydiving.

— Victor O'Reilly

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Success and failure are both difficult to endure. Along with success come drugs, divorce, fornication, bullying, travel, meditation, medication, depression, neurosis and suicide. With failure comes failure.

— Joseph Heller

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There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it?

— Kin Hubbard

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The world tolerates conceit from those who are successful, but not from anybody else.

— John Blake

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If at first don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.

— Bill Lyon

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The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.

— Nancy Astor

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The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.

— Jean Giraudoux

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All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

— Mark Twain

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We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?

— Jean Cocteau

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Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.

— Hubert H. Humphrey

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