(a.k.a The Devil's Dictionary, New Millennia Edition)

 
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television

Cynical Definitions

n. Chewing gum for the eyes.

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n. The shepherd of the docile human flock.

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n. A modern alter upon which intelligence is sacrificed.

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Cynical Quotations

Television is simultaneously blamed, often by the same people, for worsening the world and for being powerless to change it.

— Clive James

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Television has made dictatorship impossible but democracy unbearable.

— Shimon Peres

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Television has changed the American child from in irresistible force into an immovable object.

— Unknown

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Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 25%. And of TV news, believe 10% – make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer.

— Unknown

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Why watch reality TV in a TV based reality?

— RayB

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Television news is like a lightning flash. It makes a loud noise, lights up everything around it, leaves everything else in darkness and then is suddenly gone.

— Hodding Carter

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Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

— Ann Landers

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Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

— Fred Allen

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CNN is one of the participants in the war. I have a fantasy where Ted Turner is elected president but refuses because he doesn't want to give up power.

— Arthur C. Clarke

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Television has raised writing to a new low.

— Samuel Goldwyn

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All television is children's television.

— Richard P. Adler

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Seeing a murder on television... can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

— Alfred Hitchcock

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Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.

— Alfred Hitchcock

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The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.

— Unknown

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Television – a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.

— Ernie Kovacs

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Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home.

— David Frost

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When the politicians complain that TV turns the proceedings into a circus, it should be made clear that the circus was already there, and that TV has merely demonstrated that not all the performers are well trained.

— Edward R. Murrow

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Don’t you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There’s one marked “brightness,” but it doesn't work.

— Gallagher

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We are drawn to our television sets each April the way we are drawn to the scene of an accident.

— Vincent Canby

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It's hard to decide if TV makes morons out of everyone or if it mirrors Americans who really are morons to begin with.

— Martin Mull

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