(a.k.a The Devil's Dictionary, New Millennia Edition)

 
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woman

Cynical Definitions

n. A creature so overwhelmed by sensitivity that they are rendered senseless.

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n. An animal usually living in the vicinity of man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.

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Cynical Quotations

From birth to 18 a girl needs good parents. From 18 to 35, she needs good looks. From 35 to 55, good personality. From 55 on, she needs good cash.

— Sophie Tucker

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A woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake an entire relationship.

— Unknown

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In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man – if you want anything done, ask a woman.

— Margaret Thatcher

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Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman.

— Robertson Davies

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Once a woman passes a certain point in intellegence it is almost impossible to get a husband: she simply cannot go on listening [to men] without snickering.

— H.L. Mencken

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Women are often referred to as the 'gentle' sex. I believe this adjective describes the sweetly undetectable method in which women insert a knife in a man's back.

— Guy Smith

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[Women are] credited by many of the elder zoologists with a certain vestigial docility acquired in a former state of seclusion, but naturalists of the post-susan-anthony period, having no knowledge of the seclusion, deny the virtue and declare that such as creation's dawn beheld, it roareth now. The species is the most widely distributed of all beasts of prey, infesting all habitable parts of the globe, from Greeland's spicy mountains to India's moral strand. The popular name (wolfman) is incorrect, for the creature is of the cat kind. The woman is lithe and graceful in its movement, especially the American variety (felis pugnans), is omnivorous and can be taught not to talk.

— Ambrose Bierce

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Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges all that is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of s**t.

— Unknown

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The only way to be truly misogynistic is to be a woman.

— Randy K. Milholland

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A girl is only helpless when her nail polish is wet, and even then she could pull the trigger at any provocation.

— Unknown

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